Killing English

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette... ? "




Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"




once Hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to America.."




"..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."





Dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down.....




it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said " why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)




teacher in a furious mood... write down ur name and father of ur name!!




"shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college"




My manager started like this "Hi, I am Pinky, Married with two kids"





"I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board




"will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"




LIBRARIAN ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"






Chemistry HOD comes and tells us.... "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"



Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father



"why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!"



Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??

Best Out of Office messages

The Best "Out of Office Auto Reply" messages

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail To get the position because I will have to come back to this job. Be Prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the Office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't receive any response at All.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, emails you send me until I Return from holiday. Please be patient and your e-mail will be deleted In the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 For the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your Message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is Unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try Sending again.
(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many In-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in Approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Phil'.

Classic Definitions

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other. 2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more ! popular than a five day test. 3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master 4. Divo rce : Future tense of marriage 5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either". 6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power . 9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage. 10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on. 11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. 12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. 13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. 16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. 18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes. 19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. 20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. 21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. 23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." 24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY . 25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. 26. Father : A banker provided by nature. 27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught. 28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. 30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. 31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......!

Positive Attitude

1. When your boss says - "You have screwed up this module"

Smile - it means "the other modules were good"

2. When your boss says - "I am not going to let you go early today evening"

Smile - It means "you can come late tomorrow"

3. When your boss says - "Do the documentation"

Smile - it means "Relax dude, you've done enough of coding, time to give your brains a break"

4. When your boss says - "You do nothing but just surf the internet"

Smile - it means "Dude, now I know where all that knowledge comes from"

5. When your boss says - "Do you come to office to sleep?"

Smile - It means "hey buddy, why do you stress yourself? Have a good night's sleep and come to office whenever you wish!"

6. When your boss says - "Stop staring at that girl you moron"

Smile - it means "My wife is better than her "

7. When your boss says - "Why does nothing work on your machine?"

Smile - it means "I am thinking I could rather give you my laptop"

8. When your boss says - "Would you stop talking on your mobile phone?"

Smile - it means "Use the office phone instead"

9. When your boss says - "Why do you keep smiling always?"

Smile - it means "I love the fact that You are spreading the good will"

10. When your boss says - "YOU ARE FIRED"

SLAP HIM IN HIS FACE AND SAY - "I RESIGN"

Politically Correct Jokes

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the
attack on the Pentagon:


"I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case
you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of
everything."


============ ========= ========= ========= =====


Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept:


Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my
condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great
bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with
that..


Bush: What buildings? What people??


Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?


Bush: It's eight in the morning.


Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!


============ ========= ========= ========= ====


Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"


The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks


over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"


Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"


The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"


And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14


million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."


And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !"


Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about
the 14 million Pakistanis!"


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A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a
little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.


He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the
dog and saving the girl's life.


A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a
hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:


"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".


The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"


Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:


"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.


"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"


The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"


The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog "