Never be a Developer

Dedicated specially to all developers….!! J J


Introduction:

Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)

Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in

username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep

sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it

fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in

some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry

is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has

Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt

speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use

head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is

Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but

My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound

as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The

Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do

You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them

uniform?

Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep

Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces

Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces

Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all

machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur: Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the

Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both

The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur: What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for

re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at

different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of

the

two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the

acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity

is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the

bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello: I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested

The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same

Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that

intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur: GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the

Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background

noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because

of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello: No need for that. We will put the machines and run

them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??

He is now in mental asylum while Roshan D’Mello has become QA Manager.

Two or four

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded, and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want." The God said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it will take! It will
nearly exhaust all the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me".

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God,
I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she's silent? Why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy".


The God replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge? "

Why Planning is important?

Why Planning is important?


One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not
study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that
they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire
of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and
that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked
him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as
this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared
well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.......................... (2 MARKS)

Q.2. which tire burst? (98 MARKS)
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!

SARDAR Strikes Again!!

Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but? ?
how much is DRIVING salary...?
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES. ..NO...YES. ..NO...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and
says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion.. ....
....... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it be comes deaf......"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********


2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry num be r is also written...BC 1760!!!....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating. .......
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks be hind, ALL WERE SARDARS..... ..

Marketing Skills..

Manager of a Retail store in US asks: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."

Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd
better be doing better than just one sale.
By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"

Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the
coast, so
I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating
department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him
down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.

I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no
accommodation,
I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo
6 sleeper camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100
worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a
fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."

Marketing Skills....

Manager of a Retail store in US asks: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."

Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd
better be doing better than just one sale.
By the way, how much was the sale for?"

Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"

Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.

Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the
coast, so
I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating
department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him
down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.

I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no
accommodation,
I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo
6 sleeper camper tents.

Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100
worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a
fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"

Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."

And then the FIGHT STARTED...

*And then the fight started....*


1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station....



And then the fight started.... ****



2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have
sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I
said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And then the fight started... ****



3. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible"
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe
my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"



And that's how the fight started ... ****



4. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"



And then the fight started..... ****



5. I rear-ended a car this morning So,there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" So, I looked down at him and
said, "Well, then which one are you?"



And then the fight started..... ****



6. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about
the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started..... ****



7. A woman is standing, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies,
"Your eyesight's darn near perfect."



And then the fight started.....

School Days

Teacher: 'What is your name?'.
Student: 'Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai.'
Teacher: 'When I ask a question in English, answer it in English.'
Student: 'My name is Sunlight .



Teacher: 'What is your name?'.
Student: 'My name is Beautiful Red Underwear'
Teacher: 'What kind of a name is this? Don't joke tell me the right name'
Student: 'My name is Sunderlal Chadda."



Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhiji was four years old.



Question: What is the full form of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students



Teacher: Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student: BROTHERLY LOVE



Teacher: Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student: A holiday



Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend it.
Raju: No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Raju: My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!



Teacher: 'Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence? '
Johnny: 'Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time.'



Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny: As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born. (1st Rank)





Teacher: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs3/kg...Then, what is my age?
Student: 32 yrs.
Teacher: How do you know?
Student: Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

A nice perspective of lay offs

Once upon a time the government with Ruling Party XYZ.. had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Ruling Party XYZ Said.. "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.. "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.. OK.

"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said..

"How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.., "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Ruling Party XYZ Said.. "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they lay off the night watchman J

Expectations are too high

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) You have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!

Best Short Story

There was a contest in a company to write a fictional story for 500 words max which would start with the line "On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Bangalore station "

This is what a guy wrote for the contest....... and surprisingly, it was adjudged the best short story :))

On a dark and foggy night, a small figure lay huddled on the railway tracks leading to the Bangalore station. At once I was held back to see someone in that position during midnight with no one around. With curiosity taking the front seat, I went near the body and tried to investigate it. There was blood all over the body which was lying face down. It seemed that a ruthless blow by the last train could have caused the end of this body which seemed to be that of a guy of around my age. Amidst the gory blood flow, I could see a folded white envelope which was fluttering in the midnight wind. Carefully I took the blood stained envelope and was surprised to see the phrase "appraisal letter" on it. With curiosity rising every moment, I wasted no time in opening the envelope to see if I can find some details about the dead guy. The tag around the body's neck and the jazzy appraisal cover gave me the hint that he might be a software engineer. I opened the envelope to find a shining paper on which the appraisal details where typed in flying colors. Thunders broke into my ears and lightening struck my heart when I saw the appraisal amount of the dead guy!!!!! My God, it was not even, as much as the cost of the letter on which the appraisal details were printed.... My heart poured out for the guy and huge calls were heard inside my mind saying "no wonder, this guy died such a miserable death"... As a fellow worker in the same industry, I thought I should mourn for him for the sake of respect and stood there with a heavy heart thinking of the shock that he would have experienced when his manager had placed the appraisal letter in his hand. I am sure his heart would have stopped and eyes would have gone blank for few seconds looking at the near to nothing increment in his salary.

While I mourned for him, for a second my hands froze to see the employee's name in the appraisal letter... hey, what a strange co-incidence, this guy's name is same as mine, including the initials. This was interesting. With some mental strength, I turned the body upside down and found myself fainted for a second. The guy not only had my name, but also looked exactly like me. Same looks, same built, same name.... it was me who was dead there!!!!!!!! While I was lost in that shock, I felt someone patting on my shoulders. My heart stopped completely, I could not breathe and sprung in fear to see who was behind......... splash!!! Went the glass of water on my laptop screen as I came out of my wild dream to see my manager standing behind my chair patting on my shoulder saying, "wake up man? Come to meeting room number two. I have your appraisal letter ready".

NEVER, EVER BE LATE

One of those occasions when the saying 'better late than never' does not hold good!!



Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
The politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people. . ..... '

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. 'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.'

Moral: NEVER, EVER BE LATE ! ! !

Reduce Weight ???????

One fat guy -
One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying

"If you catch me, I'm yours."











He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager. Again he is led to the large gym. Thzs time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.

"If I catch you, you're mine."

The Cruelest form of eye tests

Anil & Hen

Anil came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.


He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.


When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. 'Who the hell are you?' Demanded Anil, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom?'.


The mysterious Man answered 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm Yamraj'.


Anil was stunned 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away'.


Yamraj replied 'Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'


Anil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad' he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.


The farmyard rooster strolled over and said 'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?'


It's not so bad' replies Anil, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode'.


You're ovulating' explained the rooster, 'don't tell me you've never laid an egg before'.


'Never' replies Anil


'Well just relax and let it happen'


And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.


An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.


When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!


The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting


Anil, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed'

Nuclear war between INDIA and pakistan

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet
Satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45
seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.

Recent studies commissioned by US department of Defense included one on
nuclear war between India and Pakistan :

This was the scenario................

The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They
don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the
countdowns.

Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian
army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a missile in
retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.

They submit their request to the Indian President. The President
forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok
Sabha session.

The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the
opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision.

In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical
failure. Their attempts for a re-launch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a
party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks
the PM to prove his majority within a week.

As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker
government is installed.

The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear
missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government
cannot take such a decision because elections are at hand.

The Election Commission files Public Interest Litigation in the Supreme
Court alleging misuse of power.

The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting!
PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing
the nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell
367 miles away from the target, on its own government building in
Islamabad at 11.00AM.

Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the
office that early. In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had
detached somewhere in flight.

The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China
and USA. The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a
nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This
time all the parties agree.

Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as
preparations begin, "pro-humanity",
"anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision.
Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organized.

In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians
condemning the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many
Indians as possible".

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles
deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing
over Rajasthan.

Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.

A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service. Since the
Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits it original
destination: Russia.

Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation
launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The missile hits the
target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has
happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.

Thus India never gets to launch the missile

LOL !!!

Letter from a guy tired of chain mails!!!!

I want to thank all my friends and other unknown people who have
forwarded chain letters to me in 2008.

Because of your kindness:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good only for
removing
toilet stains.

I stopped eating apples for fear that it might have been cut by a fruit-seller having an open wound on his hands & is suffering from AIDS.

I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause
cancer.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to
dial a
stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to
Uganda ,
Singapore and Tokyo .

I also stopped drinking water outside for fear that I will get
sick from
the rat shit and urine.

When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she
is, for
fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me, then take my kidneys
and leave
me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was
about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been
7 since
1993...)

My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a
paid
vacation to Disneyland .

Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Dalai Lama, Ganesh
Vandana,
Tirupathi Balaji pics etc..

Now most of those "Wishes" are already married (to someone else)!

You can add your own notes based on your similar experience and send
them to
your friends.

If ORKUT deletes my account, it doesn't matter BUT PLEASE DON'T SEND me
"Orkut is
deleting accounts: Due to sudden rush..." Otherwise I'll delete my
E-Mail
account!

I have daily checked my ATM balance to see if Bill Gates has shared some of his fortune with me for sending those crap "BillGates is sharing his fortune'' emails but nothing happened...


No Thanks & No Regards whatsoever,
A Totally Frustrated Engineer.

Nice One

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Even God has a Sense of Humor

God was in the process of creating the universe.

And he was explaining to his subordinates

'Look everything should be in balance.


For example, after every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States .

I have blessed them with prosperity and money.

But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....


And here is Africa . I have given them beautiful nature.

But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes.



And here is South America . I have given them lots of forests.

But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would

have to cut off the forests...

So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.



One of the angels asked...

'God, what is this extremely beautiful country here?'


God said........ 'Ahah...that is the crown piece of all. ' INDIA ',

My most precious creation.

It has understanding and friendly People.

Sparkling streams and serene mountains.

A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live.

Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold.....

The angel was quite surprised:

'But god you said everything should be in balance.'



God replied --

'Look at the neighbors, I gave them.

Side effects of alcohol .... and remedies!!!

1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.

Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the drink on your feet).

Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause : You're lying on the floor.

Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.

Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.

Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.

Cause : You're being dragged away.

Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause : You have your glass on your ear.

Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.

Cause: You're in an ambulance.

Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

7. Symptom : Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.

Cause : You're in the wrong house.

Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.