Never be a Developer

Dedicated specially to all developers….!! J J


Introduction:

Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester)

Developer (Mukesh Thakur)

Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in

username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep

sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it

fixed.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in

some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry

is not getting the sound.

After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has

Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt

speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use

head phones and then get the bug closed soon.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is

Different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but

My colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound

as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The

Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do

You expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them

uniform?

Please close it.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep

Sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces

Beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces

Sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all

machines.

Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur: Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the

Volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both

The machines before I get mad and then close the bug.

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello: I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur: What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for

re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello: Sound intensity is different for machines placed at

different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.

After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur: I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of

the

two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the

acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity

is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the

bugs.

After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello: I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested

The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same

Acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that

intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur: GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the

Sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background

noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because

of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello: No need for that. We will put the machines and run

them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur: ??

He is now in mental asylum while Roshan D’Mello has become QA Manager.

Triple Filter Test

The Socrates Triple Filter Test

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem.
One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
”Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
the Triple Filter Test."

”Triple filter?"

”That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a
moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test.”

”The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
”No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

’All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter
of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

”No, on the contrary..."

”So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You
may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to
tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

”No, not really."

”Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to
me at all?"




Friends, use this triple filter each time you hear loose talk about any of your near & dear friends.

Story from Chennai

The coffee that had been given to me by the young maid in our house was obeying
some Law of Physics, studied by me in my school days, and was steadily losing
its heat to the surrounding atmosphere. Sitting next to that coffee is me - Yes,
I have that peculiar habit of asking for a coffee, when I am busy thinking about
something, and then forgetting to drink it. That too when I am trying hard to
find a solution to a problem, I let the coffee reach an undrinkable temperature,
before asking for an another cup of coffee, which nine out of ten times would
end up reaching the same fate as its predecessor.



The problem that I
was facing was to search for a girl friend. No. I was not
searching for a girl friend for myself. I am happily (sadly, if you insist on
the truth) married for the past two years; one year, ten months and six days to
be more precise. Rather, I was searching for a girl friend for my friend. I am
not even sure whether I could call him as my friend. Truth is that he was my
wife's best friend and hence become my friend by default. I first met him
two and a half years ago ...........



I was waiting at a restaurant, ready for my first date. First Date- This is how
I described my second meeting with my future wife to all my friends. Our first
meeting was an official bride seeing ceremony, where I could only see her for
few minutes among my fun making cousins, uncles, aunts and all those who are in
some way or other related to either of my parents or her parents. She was
wearing a saree, and here uncomfortable ness
in that clearly suggested that it
was for the first time she was wearing it.



Though I didn't talk to her then, I did talk to her non stop for hours in
mobile after our first meeting. It was then that we decided that we will meet in
some restaurant to get to know each other better. The first restaurant I
suggested to her was rejected by her - "food will be very bad there"
was the reason, second due to cost factor - "Oh damn, costly!" was her
reaction, and when I suggested the third, her tone suggested that she was
convinced that I had never been to any good restaurant in my life. She suggested
this restaurant - if my friend's feedbacks were true, this one was
definitely more costly than the second one I suggested. I didn't say
anything though, as I didn't want our first fight to be over a choice of a
restaurant.



As I ate the first course, I was sure the food quality was also bad than
the
first one I suggested, nevertheless I kept quiet, admiring the beauty of my wife
for the first time without the interruptions of the others.. It was then he came.



"Hi Praveen. How are you dude?" her face became extra bright on
seeing him.



"He is your bridegroom, isn't he?" - He said handing out his hand
towards me.



I shook his hand. Meanwhile her sweet voice was saying to me in the background
that he was her best friend.



Actually I was happy then that my wife had a good male friend. The last thing I
wanted was to marry a conservative girl, who never spoke to any other person of
the opposite sex and also expected the same from me. I couldn't even think
of ceasing to interact with my friend's and female colleagues, just for my
wife's sake. At the same time, at that point of time, I wanted to spend time
with her alone - I wanted to talk about so many things to
her - things that I
couldn't say with another known person near by. I felt it would be better,
if he leaves. After all this was our first date.



He must be a good mind reader. "Sorry guys for disturbing you in the
middle of your date. I will leave now. Will meet you later" - he said.



I wanted to say "Yes. Thank you. Please leave". But all that I ended
up saying was "No, no you can have dinner with us. It's a
pleasure." After all I'm a liberal person who doesn't mind his
wife/future wife having a male friend and I wanted to portray my liberal nature
to her at the first instance.



"No any ways, I got to leave. I have a personal work. Bye" - saying
he left. I was happy that he declined my invitation; but my happiness was short
lived.



Her face still had the same brightness that she acquired when he first came,
and she decided to fill her friend's absence by talking
about him. By the
end of the dinner, I couldn't say any of those things that I wanted to say
to her, but if whatever she said after Praveen left were to be true, then he
must be a better cricketer than Sachin, better writer than Jeffery Archer,
better music director than Illayaraja, better actor than Kamalahasan and better
singer than SPB.



However, what made me angry was the last statement made by her, "You
know" - she said, "It is very good to have friends of opposite sex.
But sorry, how will you know? Your mum said that you have never even spoken to
any other girl" - she said laughing.



"How does my mother know" -my tone was raised for the first time that
evening. Then I exaggerated and narrated about the female friends I had - I
didn't lie actually. I described the college friend who always called me to
get the study materials before the examinations as a "Best friend who
always
relies on me during crisis and calls me." - It isn't a lie,
right?



I don't think she believed whatever I said. She wanted me to believe all
that she said about her friend, but she will not believe things that I said
about myself. I didn't leave the restaurant; in the happy mode I entered it.
I wanted to prove her some how that even I had lot of friends in the opposite
sex.



When I was distributing the marriage invitation I made it a point to include as
many girls I know as possible in the guest list. I found it very hard to trace
the address of that best friend of mine, who called me for study materials, as
the last time she called me was before the final semester and that was solid
five years ago. I finally traced her address to Bubaneshwar and made it a point
to personally go there to invite her. Her husband and she both were equally
surprised that I took so much trouble to travel such a
long distance, when I
could have easily emailed them. They promised that they will come to my
marriage, although she said, her son's primary school has some function that
day. As I left her house, I thought I heard her say to her husband, "I was
not even a close friend to him. I don't understand why he traveled so long
just to invite me."



She didn't come to the marriage - her son may have persuaded her that his
school function is more important than the marriage of the guy - who used to
give her study materials in her college days. In spite of me dishing out
invitations - the only ladies who turned up for the marriage other than my
aunts, grandmas and mother's friends were two of my colleagues, and even
them left in half an hour.



On the other hand, Praveen was there for the entire marriage, and also helping
out in lot of arrangements. In middle of that, he also found time to come
and
giggle something to my wife, now and then. Her face always turned rosier, after
he said something. I don't know what made me angrier - he giggling with my
wife, or the fact that I didn't have any female friends to giggle with me.
Any ways I didn't show my anger - I did not want to be seen as a yet another
normal conservative husband, who couldn't digest the fact that his wife is
talking to her male friend during the marriage.



After the marriage - I had to find a new house, as I was still then staying
with my friends. Though my search for a new house began well before marriage -
all the houses selected by me were rejected by her - she invented new reasons to
reject each of them - one was too big, other too small, one too far away from
the city, other too close to highway, - she even rejected one saying that it was
too close to a police station. At the end I had to accept the house chosen by
Praveen,
near his house - the house described by her as a Heaven on Earth. I
felt it was the worst possible house in the worst possible location on earth -
but as you would have guessed it by now, I didn't offer this opinion to any
one and kept it within my mind.



Actually his trouble became more pronounced after the marriage. With both of us
working - weekends were the only time we got to spend together - and he made it
a point to visit us on exactly on the same day - and his logic was flawless.
"I could meet my friend only on weekends" - easily forgetting that his
visit means, I couldn't spend lonely moments with my wife even during
weekends. As usual, I didn't say anything and acted as a very happy host on
those weekends.



The major problem with these visits, were that whenever we were together on the
weekends, they made it a point to discuss things, about which I didn't
understand a word. "'By
the age of sixteen, the only thing he
didn't know about smuggling was how to spell it'- this is how he
describes about a spoiled teenager" - said my wife. Today, they were
discussing about a guy called Jeffery Archer. Praveen suddenly turned to me and
asked "Have u read Archer's novels?" He has that unusual knack of
asking questions to me, for which the only answer I could give was 'No'.



"I read only Tamil novels" - I blurted out.



"Oh! Exciting. Even I like Tamil novels more than English ones. Have you
read 'Ponnyin Selvan'? - He asked.



I had once seen that novel in our college library, when I went to get some
'No due' certificate there. (The only time I visited my college library
in four years was then) It was such a big novel with six volumes. Considering my
reading speed, if I had started reading it I'm sure I could never complete
reading it before I die. The largest
fiction I have read so far were the one
page short stories in Tamil magazine 'Kumudam'.



However I said "Yes" as I did not want to give yet another No as an
answer to him. But he seemed keen on irritating me. "Which character in
Ponnyin Selvan you like the most?" - He asked.



"Ah! Mmmm. I forgot the name. That heroine character. I like her very
much." - I said hoping such a big novel will have at least one heroine.



"Heroine. Whom you will call as heroine? Few may say it's Kundhavi;
but I differ with them. For me ........"



He went on speaking, and I didn't understand anything he said; but my
hatred towards him become more prominent, as my wife seemed very happy that my
ignorance has been exposed.



In few weeks time, both of them were convinced that I was worse at every thing
than either of them. I didn't help my cause any further, when I broke a
bulb
when I tried to change one, uprooted a rose plant when I was gardening, thinking
it was a weed, and by breaking a beautiful wall clock presented to her by her
college lecturer for our marriage, when I was trying to help her clean the
house. In their eyes I was a person who was good for nothing.



Then came that weekend, when there was an India - Australia test match. I was
happy because if there was anything on world I was bit knowledgeable about, it
was cricket. At least today I could prove to them, that I know more than them in
at least something I thought. We were watching the match - Sachin scored a
beautiful pull shot that bisected the fielders to the boundary. "Good
shot" - I said clapping my hands.



"Pointing is missing a trick here" - my wife commented.



"What?" - I exclaimed. I am that sort of cricket fan who only claps
hands when Sachin scores run and not bother
about the mistakes the opposition
captain is making.



"Sachin's legs are injured, and hence he won't be able to move
them properly. So Pointing should ask his bowlers to bowl full length, which
will induce the edge. They shouldn't be bowling this short pitched
stuff." - Praveen justified my wife's comment. I was the only soul
there without any support.



I decided to watch the match more seriously from then on, hoping to analyze
something before they could do. It was then I found out that Sachin was easily
milking singles behind the square on the leg side. "Eureka" I shouted
with in my mind.



"Pointing should have one more fielder there, behind the square. Sachin is
scoring singles easily in that region." - I said loudly proud of my
discovery.



"But there are already two fielders there" - my wife's only
purpose in life must be to disagree with what ever I
say.



"Why not one more fielder? They can move that fielder from point to there.
He is being wasted at point" - I wanted to win the argument at any cost.



They both laughed. "According to the laws of cricket, they are not
supposed to have more than two fielders behind the square." - Praveen said,
now controlling the laughter; but she was still laughing at my ignorance.



"Oh! When did they change the law?" - I looked perplexed.



"Long before we were born. After the controversial body line series
between ......" - Praveen went on narrating the salient points of that
series between England and Australia and why that law was introduced.



It was then I decided that I could never hope to be better than either of them
in any field. That actually frightened me. I was afraid that one day my wife
would come to me and say "Sorry. I could no longer live with good
for
nothing fellow like you. I will better marry my best friend". I can't
afford to lose my wife to this guy.



People like you might have decided of thousands of solution to the problem -
removing him from my path could be one solution - but my brittle heart would
never allow me to cause harm to any one leave alone murdering. Or I could say to
him directly to not to come to my house any more - but I didn't want to lose
my image and get that 'conservative husband with lot of suspicion about
wife' tag attached to me. So then I decided that I needed to find him a girl
friend. So that at least I could get to spend time alone with my wife. I
didn't mind getting humiliated by my wife. It's just that I didn't
want him to be there when I was getting humiliated. I also wanted to convey the
fact that I am going to search for a girl friend for him in such a way that, it
will also get me a good name from my wife,
that I am trying to help her friend.



I got that opportunity one day when he along with my wife came back late in
auto. The retired Government officer living opposite to our house looked at
three of us suspiciously. He must be wondering with in his mind about me,
"What kind of Husband is he? Allowing his wife to hang out with strangers
in night. " Even I felt the same about me. However I kept quiet as usual.



"He had a severe headache. I took him to hospital" - my wife said.

"See Praveen. This is why you should find yourself a girl friend and marry
her. They will help you very much when you have headaches like this" - I
said to him and looked at my wife proudly.



She smiled at me and said, "Ya, even I helped him (pointing to me) so
much, when he had head ache last week". Though the only help she offered
was getting me a tumbler of hot water to swallow my tablets, I didn't
differ
with her, as she was helping my cause.



"Will you help me get a girl friend?" - Praveen asked me.



"Ya sure. I replied." My wife looked at me more proudly now.



From the next day, I began my search for a girl friend for him. It was very
difficult; though Praveen didn't set any restrictions - no religion, caste,
language or nationality bar- it was difficult to satisfy the only condition he
set - that is he must like the girl. He said he was even ready to marry a girl
from Mars, if he liked her. I wished there were girls in Mars..



If he should like a girl, I was sure that the girl should be as knowledgeable
as him - not in one field - bit in wide range of fields from sports, politics,
history, environment, language, religion etc.. I did manage to find few girls,
and arranged Praveen to meet them, but he was yet to say whether he liked them.



It was
then I was sitting, letting my coffee go cold, as I narrated to you
earlier in the beginning. After few minutes, Praveen came into our house with a
big smile as usual and said "Sorry mate. You did select very good girls;
but unfortunately I didn't like any one of them."



"So the only girl you like is my wife, right?" - I wanted to shout in
anger.. Before I could do it, he came up with very happy news.



"But I found myself a girl friend. I am going to marry her in few
months."



"Wow" - I said "When will you introduce her to me?" - I was
very happy. My problems were going to be solved.



"I'm not going to say who it is; but already know her very well. Try
finding her out" - he said, as my face started to darken again. The only
girl I know very well is my wife, and I felt like crying.



"Religious Heads oppose Divorce" - he read the headlines in 'The
Hindu'
loudly. "Still these ultra conservatives exist? How on earth do
they expect a person to continue to live with a person even if she doesn't
like him, just because they are married? They should have the right to divorce.
Am I right? What do you say?



"Yes" I said mildly. I wanted to say, "Ya I approve divorce; but
not when my wife is going to divorce me to marry you". I kept quiet.



I couldn't sleep properly that night, though my wife was sleeping
peacefully next to me. I was wondering from when the other side of the bed would
be empty. I couldn't control it any more. I woke my wife at half past
eleven.



"What?" she asked, rubbing her eyes. "Do you know who
Praveen's girl friend is?" - I asked her knowing very well that the
answer would be "Who else other than me?".



"You woke me up in the middle of the night to ask this question?"
-she asked.




"Please tell me." - I literally begged her.



"It's Shanti."



"Shanti - our maid?"



"Ya"



"I thought that he was looking for some one as intelligent as him" -
I was happy that now my wife is not his girl friend.



"Do you think all people would like to marry people who are as intelligent
as them?" - She asked.



"That's what I thought" - I replied.



"If so, how on earth, do you think I agreed to marry you?".



I know she was taking a dig at me, but I had never felt happier before. I
pulled her close and hugged her, with out thinking about Praveen, for the first
time in our marriage life.

Two or four

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded, and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want." The God said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormity of the undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it will take! It will
nearly exhaust all the natural resources. It is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me".

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God,
I wish that I could understand my wife. How she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she's silent? Why she cries, what she means when she says
nothing's wrong, and how to make her truly happy".


The God replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge? "

Believe in LOVE

How True Is Your Love

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing and is your voice caught within your chest??
-It isn't love, it's LIKE.


You can't keep your eyes or hands off of her, am I right??
-It isn't love, it's LUST.


Are you proud, and eager to show her off??
-It isn't love, it's LUCK.


Do you want her because you know she's there??
-It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.

Are you with her because it's what everyone wants??
-It isn't love, it's LOYALTY.


Are you with her because she kissed you, or held your hand?
-It isn't love, its LOW CONFIDENCE.


Do you stay for her confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt her?
-It isn't love, it's PITY.


Do you belong to her because the sight of her makes your heart skip a beat??
-It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.


Do you pardon her faults because you care about her?
-It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.

Do you tell her every day she is the only one you think of?
-It isn't love, it's a LIE.


Are you willing to give up all of your favorite things for her sake?
-It isn't love, it's CHARITY.


Does your heart ache and breaks when she's sad?
-Then it's LOVE.


Do you cry for her pain, even when she's strong?
-Then it's LOVE.


Do her eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
-Then it's LOVE.

Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close and holds you to her?
-Then it's LOVE.


Do you accept her faults because it's a part of who she is?
-Then it's LOVE.

Are you attracted to others, but stay with her faithfully without regret??
-Then it's LOVE.


Would you give her your heart, your life, your death??
-Then it's LOVE.


Now, if love is painful, and tortures us so, why do we love?
Why is it all we search for in life? This pain, this agony?


Why is it all we long for? This torture, this powerful death of self?
Why?
The answer is so simple because it's...LOVE.